I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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