dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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