there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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