So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
