I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
