I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
