Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
