he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
