Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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