ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
time to smoke my breakfast
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
