I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
