my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
