I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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