when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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