Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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