Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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