nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
