You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
