I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
