i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
