I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
