he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
