I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
