Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He felt like a one man threesome
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
