So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
