I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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