Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
