the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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