Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
