Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
