You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
