I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
that's an acceptable place to lick
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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