The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
