You just made me feel so damn special
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
