I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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