sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize