Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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