I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
