I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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