at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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