OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
