I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So here I am, sexting at work.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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