I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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