...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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