I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You are a genius and a whore.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
