nutella sex= disaster
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
this hospital has no fireball
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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