Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
