I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
