If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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