I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
