my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
