Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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