I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
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